Winds rage around me, as I make my way to the darkest corners of the earth. - My own clear mind. The difficult thing about sobriety is that I am forced To deal with the things I once turned a blind eye to. Now, impossible for me to separate the feeling of innate fear and the longing for undeniable intimacy, It’s been three months, eleven days, and six odd hours since I made the necessary decision to live again. When I awoke, I found myself facedown on the cold, hard tile of my own bathroom floor. I couldn’t stand. Bottles were scattered with the evidence you left behind. I’m still unsure where the Black-eye came from. Not remembering terrifies me. It reminds me that there are things in life I can’t control. Fleeting moments of simplistic normalcy help me forget that I am a shipwrecked vessel. Hours pass as I search frantically inside of my heart and soul for dry land. Other days are wasted treading zombie-like through familiar hallways forgetting where I’ve been. I am ashamed that I didn’t do the things that I tell other women to do. I am ashamed that I feel ashamed. I’m aware it wasn’t my fault, that there’s a chance I couldn’t have even stopped you sober, but there was a chance I could. I try to remind myself I’m dealing with pain In the very best way I know how, still I’ll no longer trust anyone without reason. I am the only one committed to protecting myself. How does one escape the constant flood of questions? Sincere, but every single one is a dark reminder. I can’t imagine how anyone has survived a lifetime with this feeling. I can hardly make it through the day. I tell myself that I will be ok. That I am stronger than the sickening ache in my stomach I feel every time I’m touched. I hope that one day I’ll wake up and that will be true. That somehow soon I will outrun these shadows.
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Tennessee Martin
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