There‘s a certain kind of pain you feel like you can‘t overcome.
The kind that makes your chest tighten.
It causes your throat to close
and tears burn down your cheeks.
Feeling that kind of pain makes you think you
just. might. die.
And sometimes it makes you wish that you would.
I‘ve felt that pain before.
“You just have to push through.” Said the woman
standing in front of me
without ever asking what was wrong.
“You find it somewhere
deep inside of you, and you push through.“
I had no idea what it was.
Where does it hide?
How did you find it.
I felt like everything was crashing down around me.
And all I could do was curl into a ball and protect myself.
Now this woman wanted me to push through?
Survive until I thrive?
What kind of group meeting bullshit…
I was skeptical, but I began looking.
It seemed more reasonable than sulking
and taking no action at all.
I had never felt this way before.
I didn‘t know how to let it go.
My heart was heavy.
I couldn‘t find my smile.
Even my friends began to shape shift into dark clouds of
Nagging and guilt.
But I was the one who had changed.
I had given up on myself.
I allowed myself to give up on being happy.
And I‘ll be damned if those aren‘t the two things
that are most important.
I didn‘t want to feel that way anymore…
The it that she spoke of was the will to survive.
It's the desire to make it for whatever reason
That thing that you can‘t live without,
And you can‘t leave alone.
It‘s what keeps you going when all you want to do is quit.
I searched in every crevice.
Every heart. Every lover.
I would build a home inside their chests
With my accomplishments and fears.
Gluing them together with promises and expectations…
Then I‘d fall in love with a tornado.
Or flee at the first sign of winter.
I was never going to find it inside of someone else.
Not until I found it in myself first.
And no one was ever going to save me
I started with a deep breath.
that turned into a long walk.
It became a lazy day,
And a weeklong vacation.
I had more dinners with friends,
And fewer drinks with acquaintances.
Hiking and running became a thing I did for fun.
I listened more closely during conversations
And experienced more in a few hours than I had in weeks.
I concentrated on the good;
processed the bad.
Appreciated the kind words of strangers,
And disregarded the rude comments made by assholes.
I did it with a group, I learned to do it alone,
And I did it all on purpose.
I learned to love myself again.
Piece by piece,
I turned them until they fit inside comfortably,
And I shed the few that I no longer needed.
Because sometimes it makes sense to let go.
I found it.
It was everywhere.
Inside of me.
On the sidewalk.
In a book.
Beside the ocean.
It was life and every bit of it was beautiful.