How I've Been

I wish I could tell you when it started -- 
Maybe it began the day I lost 
the best job I’d ever had. 
It was a Thursday. Sunny. 
Before I was let go, my boss bought me coffee.
It isn’t working… they said. 
I remember searching 
for something I could fix. 
 
Maybe it started with the breakup. 
Negatives began to feel normal.
Comfort was mistaken for love. 
I felt alone in the bed we shared.
You can only love someone as much 
as they will let you. 
And who you share your life with 
will shape what that life becomes. 
It wasn’t fair to keep something 
That wasn’t meant for me. 
 
Maybe it started upon impact. 
When I swerved, crashed – 
Bounced between two realities.
I’m thankful that no one was hurt. 
A year ago, a night out at a bar 
put me behind a row of them.
I caught a case, the only one of my life.
 
When I sobered up I found myself
 tossing on a two inch thick mattress. 
Called upon only by my last name. 
I hadn’t slept in days.
It had been longer since I’d seen daylight.
In that moment, the fluorescent glow 
convinced me time was only an illusion. 
Would I ever leave? 
 
Of course I did. 
I stood shakily before my maker 
He wanted to get it in before lunch.
So he waved me through,
time spent and a few odd jobs.
 
On foot for months and miles, 
I finally got my wheels back. 
Every time I cranked my engine,
a beep and hum antagonized me. 
And I could have funded a short film with 
the amount of money it cost.
Hours spent at meetings and classes. 

But what I got in return --  
My sobriety. 
One year yesterday.
I am single. And Okay.
I have a new job, and I’m still learning,
I’m happy. 
 
Sometimes where we think we’re going
is only a placeholder for where 
we’re supposed to be.

I still don't have all the answers
But I have another year of life experience 
And a chance to fall in love
with myself again.  
That's how I've been.