I wish I could tell you when it started --
Maybe it began the day I lost
the best job I’d ever had.
It was a Thursday. Sunny.
Before I was let go, my boss bought me coffee.
It isn’t working… they said.
I remember searching
for something I could fix.
Maybe it started with the breakup.
Negatives began to feel normal.
Comfort was mistaken for love.
I felt alone in the bed we shared.
You can only love someone as much
as they will let you.
And who you share your life with
will shape what that life becomes.
It wasn’t fair to keep something
That wasn’t meant for me.
Maybe it started upon impact.
When I swerved, crashed –
Bounced between two realities.
I’m thankful that no one was hurt.
A year ago, a night out at a bar
put me behind a row of them.
I caught a case, the only one of my life.
When I sobered up I found myself
tossing on a two inch thick mattress.
Called upon only by my last name.
I hadn’t slept in days.
It had been longer since I’d seen daylight.
In that moment, the fluorescent glow
convinced me time was only an illusion.
Would I ever leave?
Of course I did.
I stood shakily before my maker
He wanted to get it in before lunch.
So he waved me through,
time spent and a few odd jobs.
On foot for months and miles,
I finally got my wheels back.
Every time I cranked my engine,
a beep and hum antagonized me.
And I could have funded a short film with
the amount of money it cost.
Hours spent at meetings and classes.
But what I got in return --
One year yesterday.
I am single. And Okay.
I have a new job, and I’m still learning,
Sometimes where we think we’re going
is only a placeholder for where
we’re supposed to be.
I still don't have all the answers
But I have another year of life experience
And a chance to fall in love
with myself again.
That's how I've been.