I went down to the lake the other day hoping that I’d find a dreamer.
There’s an empty space where your thoughts used to circulate, and my reasons make less sense than before. I’m still tough to love after all this time. Your heart says it’s time to try something a little easier. So you've packed your bags, found an ocean wave, and planned a trip into the setting sun. It’s just like you to hesitate, and it’s like me to be in over my head. Of all the things I've forgotten, you’d think I’d remember this feeling. We've been here before; a step too close. For years you kept that door shut between us. Your neck is strained from glancing between coast and home. Sometimes the things we don’t say resonate the most. You ask for space, overwhelmed by the expectations we let cultivate. They hang like fog in all the empty places. I steady my breath and speed my hand – there’s not much time to reach you. Because, lightning never strikes the same place twice and I've heard love is the same. You’ll come back around when it’s way too late, only questions unanswered could save us. As you read this your blood runs cold, uncertain. Besieged by promises and broken pieces. The reality is heavy, the past is dark, and I’m more than just someone’s distraction I once said that I’d beg, but I meant your pardon. I’m sorry you see the trees and not the forest.
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It's not just the sound of your voice that I love. Your accent reminds me of my best friend's, and sometimes when you speak I can hear her. Sometimes, I don't want to.
I left home when I was eighteen. All of my possessions fit into a few small boxes, but not the chip on my shoulder or the baggage my parents left me with. I've struggled to carry them both around for years. I've had no success thus far. I am a professional pretender. I'll tell you that it didn't hurt when she left me, it doesn't matter that my parents never saw me play, she wouldn't have stayed if she had known, and it was ok... I didn't like that color anyway. When I do, don't believe me. If you continue to treat me this way I'll fall for you, guaranteed. Probably far too quickly. It's going to scare the shit out of me when I do, so I would appreciate it if you could refrain from running just long enough for me to learn to stand on knees made of jello. I miss the way that your fingers feel when locked with my own. The deepest conversation I've ever had was between your eyes and mine, and I meant every word I wrote in that letter. I think. Never in my life have I believed that I was broken. Not even when they insisted I should, but at night I find myself searching through line ups and missing persons, praying that none of them will be there; those thirty something tiny faces I grew up with. You are beautiful. Time is my most valued possession, and I can't wait to give it all to you. What we are doing terrifies me, but I like the way it makes my heart skip a beat. Honestly, you are everything I've ever wanted. I will not turn my back on you, no matter how many shadows
you cast between the sunlight and me. Your hands shake often, You promise me that it is just the cold air nipping at your fingertips. They tremble even when I shelter them in my own, In that moment, I notice the crumb trail of lies you’ve left behind for me to follow. I used to think you spoke slowly for the sake of clarity. I would elongate my syllables, emphasizing each letter, knowing you’d "ah-pre-she-ate" the gesture. Not until I was running out of time, mouth full, did I realize that’s what you were buying. It’s difficult to believe that all of this was for nothing. Pain can’t be quantified and distrust comes with a strict no return policy. The old man at the gas station tells me for the thousandth time that I look just like you did when you were younger. So, I thank him politely like I’m supposed to, silently vowing never to return. I no longer wish to be like you. You swore that my grandfather would have loved me had he ever met me, then told me with the same breath that he never would have understood “my preference.” As if sexuality was something that you chose off the shelf between ignorance and happiness. I tell you that he would have loved me anyway. After all, I have his strong jaw line and his unwavering sense of justice. You stare at me puzzled, for I’ve contradicted everything you’ve said. I stare out the window over the fields of waving grass wondering how many straws I’d have to pluck before I could leave this place. She said “It’s ok to cry, love. It doesn’t mean you’re not whole.
Tears are the heart’s way of cleansing the soul.” And when these butterflies dance all over the room I know that she's near me. Because she's the safe haven where everyone wants to be. She's the light that keeps me lifted. She tells me I’m her everything. I forgot what real love felt like when it came so easily. “Baby please don’t go.” She whispers into the phone. She’s been asleep for hours, but she swears she can’t sleep alone. If she’s the calm, you can bet that I’m the storm. Until her, a seven year curse never lifted with a happy ending before. She’s my kind of crazy, and I wouldn’t change a thing. Because she’s all that I imagined, far more, and everything between. In the mornings light she wraps her arms around my waist. Her nose to mine, she leaves sweet kisses on my face. And I would drown inside those eyes if she ever let me go. But I know that she won’t… She says I “make it difficult to not let that word fall out. The one you can’t take back that tastes like iron in your mouth. It’s only gets sweeter when you learn to say it back.” Heaven knows, I love to love a woman like that. Heartbeat Bandit, you stood on my chest plucking beat after beat
like wildflowers in the springtime. Never before had I known someone with the ability to destroy and create simultaneously, but there I was short of breath; in awe of the garden of emotions your nimble fingers were capable of producing. The sun broke over the tree line as my eyelids fluttered open.
It was rare in a home of ten for one to spend the day alone; but I learned early on that I had rather weather the forest than the family. My fingers clumsily brushed teeth and tied laces And I retreated to the trees; my living sanctuary. The crisp air bit at my lungs as I crunched step by step into the darkness. I ventured towards the places where sunlight never reached, and couldn’t help but notice a resemblance to whatever was building inside of me. Some things shouldn’t be carried by a twelve year old, but it was a weight that everyone expected me to bare. Mother raised us to smile through the pain, and they used to say mine could light up a room. I’d stand there in the middle smiling, praying that someone might see me, but no one ever did. Apparently, It’s difficult to see scars that are on the inside. Quietly, I wrapped them in promises and dreams, and waited for them to heal. I left town with everything I owned, searching the big city for the journey of a lifetime. Instead, I found three more broken hearts and distrust towards anyone expressing genuine kindness or concern for me. The best-worst decision I ever made was confronting that asshole who tried to slip me her therapists business card. She almost kicked my ass, but today she’s my best friend. You know that love is real when someone gives it to you when it's not required. It took me three years, nine months, and twenty three days to accept it when you left. And even now I’m not sure I could say no to you if you walked through that door. What I do know is it was cold in the shadows, and I never want to die there again. Her hand finds mine somewhere amidst the remote
and a cup of coffee. She intertwines her fingers seamlessly into the space between mine, and despite the growing distance between hands and mouths - my breath is lost. I wake abruptly to find a cold, empty pillow surrounded by darkness. She is not here. She’s never been. I turn my face towards the wall In an effort to forget that I am still alone. But my thoughts are vivid, and my imagination wild. In my mind, I create scenes that have yet to unfold of mountain hikes and Sunday brunches, yoga in the sand and fifth year anniversaries. A woman like that is the reason books are left dog-eared and half-read. The stories she writes with you are far more epic than any classic with a spine. She is a unicorn. A rare breed made of honesty combined with class and intrigue. She is permanent. She is beautiful. A chance encounter has left me spinning in reverse, Grasping for every moment she gave me. I collect them Like seashells and hang them from the ceiling of my mind; A celestial anomaly, a masterpiece, a reflection of her captivating soul. There‘s a certain kind of pain you feel like you can‘t overcome.
The kind that makes your chest tighten. It causes your throat to close and tears burn down your cheeks. Feeling that kind of pain makes you think you just. might. die. And sometimes it makes you wish that you would. I‘ve felt that pain before. “You just have to push through.” Said the woman standing in front of me without ever asking what was wrong. “You find it somewhere deep inside of you, and you push through.“ I had no idea what it was. Where does it hide? How did you find it. I felt like everything was crashing down around me. And all I could do was curl into a ball and protect myself. Now this woman wanted me to push through? Survive until I thrive? What kind of group meeting bullshit… I was skeptical, but I began looking. It seemed more reasonable than sulking and taking no action at all. I had never felt this way before. I didn‘t know how to let it go. My heart was heavy. I couldn‘t find my smile. Even my friends began to shape shift into dark clouds of Nagging and guilt. But I was the one who had changed. I had given up on myself. I allowed myself to give up on being happy. And I‘ll be damned if those aren‘t the two things that are most important. I didn‘t want to feel that way anymore… The it that she spoke of was the will to survive. It's the desire to make it for whatever reason That thing that you can‘t live without, And you can‘t leave alone. It‘s what keeps you going when all you want to do is quit. I searched in every crevice. Every heart. Every lover. I would build a home inside their chests With my accomplishments and fears. Gluing them together with promises and expectations… Then I‘d fall in love with a tornado. Or flee at the first sign of winter. I was never going to find it inside of someone else. Not until I found it in myself first. And no one was ever going to save me I started with a deep breath. that turned into a long walk. It became a lazy day, And a weeklong vacation. I had more dinners with friends, And fewer drinks with acquaintances. Hiking and running became a thing I did for fun. I listened more closely during conversations And experienced more in a few hours than I had in weeks. I concentrated on the good; processed the bad. Appreciated the kind words of strangers, And disregarded the rude comments made by assholes. I did it with a group, I learned to do it alone, And I did it all on purpose. I learned to love myself again. Piece by piece, I turned them until they fit inside comfortably, And I shed the few that I no longer needed. Because sometimes it makes sense to let go. I found it. It was everywhere. Everything. Inside of me. On the sidewalk. In a book. Beside the ocean. It was life and every bit of it was beautiful. Perhaps I was a bit naïve
For thinking that blanket of trees in Maine Would hide us from reality. Beneath their limbs, we forgot That summer wouldn't last forever. I stood out on the deck, My head in the clouds, waiting For a girl like you. And you stood there, Not knowing the line of fire would match your every move. It wasn't without hesitation that your secrets found my ears, and my fingers found your hands. I wrapped myself inside of them, Searching madly for a rip cord. Something I could pull to bring you out. For you were a mover, and myself, a shaker. It was an intensity you hadn't felt before. When it came to your heart, I took no prisoners. And you took no chances when it came to mine. With no intention, you divided my attention between the past and the future, Leaving the present to slip away like the morning fog as it rolled off Echo lake. I saw your reflection in the water, Your eyes, the deepest un-sailed vessel. You saw mine in the mirror and fled. Sometimes, the truth can be overwhelming. And I believe there are moments in life When we’re not quite ready to be loved. A month and a half felt like a lifetime, Until seven years passed. And now I find this novel idea, So charming in its simplicity. There isn't a single part of me that Hasn't changed, and there’s not a thing About you that I haven’t missed. Some tales grow old with people, And some people age without any to tell. I’d rather be among the first few With something beautiful to talk about Beneath tree tops and blankets. You've got the history of generations in your eyes.
I'm the kind of train wreck that you want to survive. We keep saying it's only a matter of time, Until you'll get the best of me. I'm a rolling stone, you're a crashing wave. We're a classic tale set in modern day. Love like that doesn't get to stay, Unless you have the best of me. Distance builds a bridge for miles and miles, I'll get over it as we climb higher. Because we've never listened to a word of the wiser. Still, you want the best of me. So I'll tear down these walls built up, I'll bring you in and with any luck You'll love me like my love is enough. And you'll find the best of me. Because you showed me how to love again, How to release the pain - and let love in. I've fallen in love with my best friend. I'm giving you the best of me. |
Tennessee Martin
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